The Crush That Mattered

I left the choir in DC PH because I had this mad crush on a Pastor and because Pastors sat opposite the choir, this man was all I could see.

I came early so I would sit where nobody would block me. I imagined our children and imagined scenarios of how we would bump into each other and he would take my number.

I did this so much that I didn't know how to stop.

It was mixed emotions.

I wanted to focus on Jesus but his fine son would not allow me concentrate.

You would see me crying during worship and think, oh this girl is close to God but omo, na lie. Na man.

I was crying and begging God to take this man out of my mind.

One day during a women's meeting, P. AK said, "One way to know of you really love a man is how often you pray for him" so I said to myself "That's it. I will pray for him".

And that's how I started.

I prayed for him every service day and every other day.

When I get to church, I'll close my eyes really tight and would speak in tongues with him on my mind. 

I prayed for him.

My friends knew about this and teased me.

One day, I decided I had enough.

I was going to leave the choir and concentrate on selling books at the back of the church.

This was the best way. At least I thought it was.

A few weeks later, this man met me and my friends on Aluu road and collected my number. We became casual friends and soon started hanging out a lot.

I think he liked me too but the mixed signals were too much

Was he just kind and nice? or does he want us to go home together because he likes me as a friend or potential spouse?.

As I got to know him, the crush reduced day by day.

I don't know if it was see finish or because I was now close to him but I liked him as a friend and nothing else.

I still remember the day that crush cleared from my eyes.

We were in Aluu, at the intersection before he goes his way and I go my way.

This man said and I quote "You are my younger sisters age mate so I see you as a sister". 

Eyyyy!!

Joy Kaduru had been sister zoned.

My heart sank and I said chai so many times as I walked home you would think I just lost a lot of money to 419ers.

That wasn't the end.

We became best friends.

This is not those one sided best friending o.

He was my friend and I was his.

I knew a lot about him and him of me.

He told every girl he liked, and was about to date, about me. 

I met them and I liked them too because in my head, this is the person my person likes.

He knew when I was deep in sin.

Along the line, I backslid. I left God and church.

Imagine being so comfortable with a Pastor that you tell him about your men and when you're just coming from a mans house.

I know he wouldn't judge me. He never did. 

He was kind and advised me with love.

The love I had for him morphed from infatuation into genuine brotherly love.

The kind that made me not want to ruin his life and helped me do things to make his life easier and his office better.

There was a difference between him and his office

There was Zee (not real name) my friend and Zee the Pastor. I worked well with the man and his office.

The last time I spoke to him was December 2022, before then, I think we went on for months and even a year without speaking.

Why? I can't really say.

No. That's a lie.
I can say. It was intentional on my part.

One day, I realised that the friendship had become one sided. 

I was reaching out a lot more than he was.

I thought it was cause he was going through things but nah.

The trail of WhatsApp message that showed me reaching out first so many times, was too long for him to be going through things. 

I mean, I know the man so I know what I am saying.

It's now 11:30pm on the 11th of May, 2023

I don't know why I'm writing this thing but I remember seeing a TikTok that said "A crush is just lack of information on your part" and I agree.

This is someone I thought I loved some much that I started praying for him.

When I got to know him the dynamic changed.

I remember one day in 2019, I asked him to tell me about the woman he likes and as he spoke, I said to myself, this man is describing me but unfortunately, it won't work.

Well. That's the end sha.

I miss the friendship. We still talk but it's not the same.

It was one of the most genuine friendships I have ever had, till it wasn't.

My advice:
If you have a friend, don't let it die.
Making friends is hard.


N.B:
If you see this and you think it's about you, no it's not. 

If you really think it is, you know what to do.

Thank you for reading.

Stay jiggy 

Sincerely,
JayKaduru